You get through the workday, answer the last email, and walk through the front door. Someone asks how your day was. You say, “Fine.” An hour later, you snap over something small, then spend the rest of the evening wishing you’d handled it differently.
If that sounds familiar, it’s a good place to start a conversation in therapy. You can bring in that one evening and talk it through. What was already on your mind when you got home? What did you need in that moment? What made it hard to ask for it?
When being dependable gets lonely
Why Therapy Can Help Men Who Are Used to Handling Things on Their Own
You get through the workday, answer the last email, and walk through the front door. Someone asks how your day was. You say, “Fine.” An hour later, you snap over something small, then spend the rest of the evening wishing you’d handled it differently.
If that sounds familiar, it’s a good place to start a conversation in therapy. You can bring in that one evening and talk it through. What was already on your mind when you got home? What did you need in that moment? What made it hard to ask for it?
When being dependable gets lonely
A lot of men grew up hearing some version of “deal with it and keep going.” Being able to do that can serve you well. You may be the person your family counts on in a crisis or the one who stays calm when things go sideways at work. It can also mean that the people closest to you have very little idea when you’re having a hard time.
In my work with men, we often start with something concrete. Maybe you’ve been short with your kids, avoiding calls from friends, or pouring a second drink most nights because it’s the first time all day you feel yourself relax. We can talk about what that habit does for you, what it costs you, and what you’d like to do differently.
What we actually do in a session
Suppose you and your partner keep having the same argument about your phone. They say you’re checked out. You say you just need a few minutes to yourself. By the end, you’re arguing about who works harder.
In a session, we might walk through that exchange and find the point where you stopped listening because you felt criticized. Then we can work on what you might say next time. It could be as simple as, “I’m still wound up from work. Can I take twenty minutes and then come sit with you?” The next time we meet, we can talk about how it went and what felt awkward or worth trying again.
Therapy can also give you somewhere to say the things you’ve been carrying privately. Maybe you miss your kids on the nights they’re with your ex. Maybe a friendship has faded and you don’t know how to reach out. Sometimes the first step is saying plainly, in front of another person, how much something matters to you.
Where to start
You can walk into a first session and say, “I’ve been on edge lately, and I don’t really know why.” I’ll ask when you notice it most and what you wish were different. We can take it from there.
I’m Justin Barsanti, LCSW. I offer in-person therapy for adults at my Main Street office in Westport, Connecticut. To ask about private-pay appointments, call 203.249.3152.
